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The Onion
The Onion 'I'll Be Right Back' Claims Commander In Chief
www.theonion.com
WASHINGTON—Following the unexpected announcement, a solemn Obama reportedly grabbed his keys, hugged his two daughters for what witnesses called an extended period of time, kissed his wife on the forehead, and quietly whispered, I love you.
The Onion Radio News Weekly World Report:
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files/radionews/W09-004_St_Petersberg_Sun.mp3
The Onion Reminder: Today is the start of National Awareness Month. How are you observing?
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WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness, the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December National Awareness Month.
The Onion
[Taurus] Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the
country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their
fault you didn't.
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The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and * local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities.
www.theonion.com
The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and * local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities.
www.theonion.com
Republicans say they have found their fresh new face in the corpse of Ronald Reagan, recently back from the dead.
The Onion NEWSWIRE: Celebrity Look-Alike Agency Not Taking Applications For Any More Diddys
www.theonion.com
NEW YORK—According to a report published Tuesday by the Center for the Study of Goddamn Fucking Shames, 96 percent of the nation's sorry...
Man Signs Up For PumpkinZonia.com, Seeing As There's Free Prismatic Pumpkin Points In It | The Onion
www.theonion.com
BALTIMORE—Local restaurant manager Brad Conner signed up for a PumpkinZonia.com membership Monday, attracted by the irresistible lure of 10 completely free, no-strings-attached Prismatic Pumpkin Points, which he can spend as he sees fit.
www.theonion.com
NEW YORK—Huh, I wonder where everyone is, said the emotionally disturbed publishing professional, bringing the high-powered assault weapon down from eye-level and slowly snapping the safety back on. Definitely thought they'd be back from that sandwich place by now.
Man Who Enjoys Popular Rock Songs Discovers Perfect Radio Station | The Onion - America's Finest New
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ROCHESTER, NY—Sean Ridgeway, a 36-year-old carpenter who is fond of popular rock 'n' roll music from the late 1960s to the present, told...
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ROCKFORD, IL—The elderly grandmother of four told reporters that, while she would hate for anything to go to waste, she would be equally upset if one of her guests reached into her wicker basket and found nothing but crumbs.
The Onion In Focus:
26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving | The
www.theonion.com
NEW YORK—Although Jordan McCabe intends to stay at home, he will inevitably grow antsy, drive to a nearby pub and bump into at least five insufferable pricks.
